Thursday, October 11, 2012
Eye Banged by Amazon
So yesterday I get this email from Amazon (a lot of my fellow authors did I'm sure), announcing--wait for it--author ranking.
My initial reaction was NO! DEAR GOD NO! FUCK NO! and the ever popular HELL NO!
I just...I mean just, broke myself of obsessively checking stats and ranks for book. I used to check all over (Goodreads, Amazon, ARe etc) every day multiple times. And it was making me a lunatic. I was putting way too much stock in those little tiny numbers and what I thought they meant.
If they were good, I was ecstatic, if they'd dropped I was bummed, and if they were even lower than I ever anticipated I was so fucking ridiculously sad it was getting beyond bad. So I stopped. I also stopped reading reviews if I could help it. Because again, if there was anything negative, I was mortified and heartbroken.
I know the whole thick skin thing, and I do have a bit of one, but I am also one of those people wired--it's just how I am--to care what others think about me. And I cannot seem to shake the need or want for people to always like me 100%. I know it's irrational, but there it is--big fat confession for you.
Anyway, I found that once I broke myself of that ritual of checking where I stood at any given moment, I was a much happier, saner person. (Note I said saner not sane...Heh).
So what happens? Amazon comes along with another mindfuck of a "feature" (read obsession) Author Ranking.
I refused to look. However, when I did my daily run through and delete emails I don't need to keep, my eye found something as the email opened. A blue box. Inside the blue box was...the number. My rank in erotica (given it's my primary genre).
I did not want to know.
I did not want to see.
But there I found myself, eye banged against my will by Amazon.
You cannot unsee a number. You cannot wipe the memory of a number from your mind.
I will not look anymore, though. Ever. Ever! (When I do crack and look, please remind me to put money in the jar that I put a dollar into every time I crack and read a review. I donate to charity when the wad gets big enough). Ahem. Like I said--Ever!
p.s. As for the number, I don't know if it's bad or good, I just know that I refuse to place too much stock in that number. The number really isn't anything other than another way for me to be distracted from what I'm supposed to be doing. Writing.