It’s been ages since I’ve blogged. That is both due to laziness, life, and by design. (snort, sorry, couldn't resist the graphic).
I have attacked the things I want to say from various angles and been dissatisfied with most. The thing is, I’ve always been a very real human being on my blog. Sometimes too human, I think. I don’t just update readers about work. I update about life and love and humor and sadness. Go on, I’ll wait, scroll through if you don’t believe me. Hop around. Hit a few years. Spot check different months…
My point is, my blog isn’t just for promotion or updates about my work. It’s to spotlight my friends, fellow authors, and a whole damn lot of it is just me. Messy, crazy, me.
Which means a lot of you reading this were there for diagnosis. And there for chemo and radiation. There for when things got bad. And there for the very end.
Believe it or not we’re creeping up on the two year mark. Two years since the word WIDOW was thrust upon me.
Truth be told, I have a shit ton to say about those two years. It’s the writer thing, I guess. You didn’t really feel it unless you can write about it. There are so many things I’d like to excise from my head and explain. Not just to chronicle it, but to share it with others who might need to read it. Just like I did with this particular blog right after Jim was diagnosed.
But like I said, every angle I attack it from leaves me dissatisfied. Because those of you who’ve been here since 2000-whatever (whenever the fuck I switched from SmutGirl to this blog) and before should read the things I want to say as humbly and honestly and lovingly as I can state them. And maybe I’m just not there yet. Two years, in the scenario of loss and grief, is both an eternity and a blink of the very flawed human eye.
So what I can tell you is this:
*Life does indeed go on and it can get better. And then it can get good. And then it can get great. You’ll find yourself super fucking happy one day and for that first split second of recognition be very, very confused.
*I am still writing. I am back to writing shorts again. Which is odd. I’d kind of stopped them unless and editor contacted me and specifically requested it. Now I’m back in the thick of it and kind of digging it.
*I am working on a novel that is NOT erotic. Shut your eyes, rub them, read them again…you read it right. Not erotic. Let’s see how that plays out.
*I do have two erotic novels half done but I’m not sure where we stand right now. I’m still petting them and plying them with wine and chocolate. We’ll see. Long time readers might recognize one of them: A Many Splintered Thing
*I have someone in my life. And to just rip that band aid right off and do the fuck it thing: I love him. Very much. He is a good, good man. And you all know how I feel about good men. (Um…Johnny Rose comes to mind)
*I do not wake up anymore and think: “Oh, shit. I’m still here…”
*I wake up and wonder what my day will bring. And what will be said or done to make me laugh or make me feel grateful or make me just kind of tilt my head back and say thank you to no one in particular.
*I will be picking up with blogging and getting back to the playlist blogs (if I still have yours, Christ, I am so sorry lol)
*I look forward to seeing what this new life brings me. Because it is A NEW LIFE. Something I have tried to explain more than once. I am not the same person I was three years ago. I am a whole new beast. And this is not the same life I had three years ago. This is a reboot. So everything is new. That is both amazing and utter weirdness. However, if you’re a writer worth their salt (at all, right writers?) you have to embrace new and strange and terrifying. It’s the only way to roll. And write.